Bold Turquoise

May 2 2011

Keeping your head up

Disappointment isn’t an easy thing to grapple with. It squelches your spirit a bit, diminishes hope, causes doubt. And when more than one disappointing thing happens in a weekend it can feel downright suffocating.

It started last Thursday, and by “it” I mean the disappointment AND Aunt Flow. Some of you may know that we have been trying to get pregnant for quite some time. Technically it was a year ago that we started not not trying. A series of health problems, including pneumonia and fairly severe pH issues, led to months of nothing, which didn’t entirely surprise me at the time but were no less frustrating. Then at the beginning of this year we started to make a more concerted effort, culminating in the use of ovulation tests this last month. Now let me just say that getting pregnant has never come easily for us but every time we used ovulation tests we got pregnant- Rhythm, Micah (who I miscarried at 10 weeks), and Lion Cub were all ovulation test babies. We have never used ovulation tests and had them not work, until now.

I know I should be thankful for the two beautiful boys that I have (and I am!) and I know that there are so many people with much harder fertility stories than my own, but it is still incredibly difficult. I try to rest in God’s timing but at the same time I can’t help but wonder what could be the matter with me and be frustrated to see my plans spiraling down the drain yet again. I had always wanted my children close together and The Carpenter isn’t getting any younger, so to once again be spacing our children somewhere around the (at least) 3-years-apart range is humbling and frustrating, and it saddens me.

While I look at Lion Cub and know that he would have made it very difficult to have a new baby around right now, and I know that God has the best plan, I’m stuck in the waiting and there is just nothing easy about it.  I like answers and plans but this is out of my hands.

To top it off, I found out Monday that I did not receive the sponsorship to Relevant that I had been praying and hoping for. I kind of figured that would be the case but it was no less soul-jarring to realize that another opportunity to have a moms get away and finally meet some of my amazing blogging friends in person has slammed shut.

This denial of course raises all sorts of questions in my head. I long to be an author (as those of you know who read the prologue to CAKED on Friday– and if you haven’t I would love it if you would!) and I feel that my blogging is a vehicle to get me there, but it is hard to not wonder if maybe it’s all for not. After three and a half years of watching my fellow-bloggers grow and thrive I seem to have only taken babysteps.  It is hard to distinguish between the Lord teaching you to persevere and keep on keepin’ on, or if He is saying “move on.”  I’m hoping it’s the former and don’t plan to disappear anytime soon, but I’m searching it out.

There are a few other things that have struck me lately too, I feel a little like a lightning rod, but I’ll save you from the depressing tale!  My husband will be heading out of town next week, so any pregnancy news is at least two months away and since I have no concrete blogging ties I suppose I am free to just write from the heart.  Right?

Right now I am just trying to focus on what’s next and trying to be proactive.  I’m on my 31 Days to Clean and will be starting the Hello Mornings Challenge very soon as well.  Who knows, I might even get a wild hair and start actually working out!  To top it off, and most importantly, I am going to be starting one of Kay Arthur’s inductive Bible Studies, which should really help with my daily perspective on life.  It’s always different when you put the Lord first.

So yeah, I’m just trying to keep my head up.  Trying to switch out my lenses from green to rose colored and see my glass as half full.  After all, in the over-all scheme of things, there are much bigger things I could be facing, and I know many who are.  I guess I just need to get over it!

Hmph!  I’ve never been very good at that!  Lord help me!  🙂

This post is filed under the BOLD confessional and has been tagged with Tags: ,

6 thoughts on “Keeping your head up

  1. Carie Shinn

    I don’t know if you have ever noticed the spacing of our children or not…..ds#1, 2 3/4 yrs, ds#2, 7 1/2 yrs, ds#3, 2 3/4 yrs dd. Those 7.5 yrs were NOT on purpose. We struggled with secondary infertility until I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. 3 rounds of fertility treatments before I got pg. During those years I cried. A lot. People don’t understand why you could possibly want more than 2. I am praying for you and know that I understand. God does have a sense of humor though…..our daughter was a surprise. LOL


  2. Victoria

    I’m so sorry for all you’ve been going through. Infertility issues are not easy to bear, no matter if you already have other children or not. I have been there, too. And, just because someone may have things going on that are “worse” doesn’t mean your disappointments are any less hurtful. The best part of it all is that God can use this experience to draw you closer to Himself, and to make you a vessel of encouragement to someone else who may go through the same situations.

  3. Tiffany

    Hey blog friend just wanted to let you know you are an inspiration to many through your blog, I too have had many unanswered prayers recently mostly dealing with my health however I also have had some big ones get answered. Holding on to the answered prayers whether they are big or small is getting me through the unanswered. I yern (sp?) for more children however my health and my back wouldnt allow it so My hubby took precautions years ago to ensure that we wont. I mentioned adopting so often he finally actually considered it however I watched a small one for a week and realized that I cant physically keep up right now and it broke my heart in two. However I am working through that sadness and trying to stay positive…I will be praying for you friend and God has perfect timing…99% of the time it is never the timing we asked for or hoped and prayed for… I am learning this the hard way through my hubbys walk with God which after 14 years is actually getting answered finially the way I had hoped and prayed it would 5, 7, 10 well all our marriage 🙂 Love and hugs along with prayers,
    Homestead in the Pines


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