Bold Turquoise

Jan 22 2012

Lacking

 Well, as I’m sure you’ve noticed (or maybe you haven’t, in which case ignore this post ;-), this BOLD little spot on the web has been lacking as of late.  And by “late” I guess I mean the last couple of months.  Lacking due to many things.

Sickness.  Horrible, wretched sinuses that leave me with migraines for days on end.

Changes.  In this new year we have completely revamped/replaced our curriculum (flinging those hours and hours of planning I did last summer to map out every last minute of every single day for the entire year hopelessly out the window)- which thereby also switched up the structure of our day and so forth!  Soon I will begin posting all of our homeschool posts here on BOLD Turquoise, rather than on my boys’ blog (since it has become even more neglected than this little one!), but before I really get into the new stuff we are doing there are a few loose ends I will be tying up from the products and curricula we were using- many of which I think are wonderful even though they weren’t a good fit for us right now.

Energy.  The only thing that reminds me of the meaning of this word is when I look at my boys spinning around the house like wild tornados and I think, “Oh yeah, that’s what energy looks like.” Because for me it is nearly entirely absent!  In the evenings I find myself sitting on the couch while my hubby is watching shows, willing myself to sleep, but I have trouble even getting up the energy to walk downstairs to put myself to bed, and therefore end up staying up much later than I ever intended!  Which then of course makes my mornings nearly impossible.  A vicious cycle.  Maybe as I move farther into my 2nd trimester this problem will subside a bit.  Hopefully.

Selling our home… or trying to.  We know God has a plan.  In the waiting and the unknown it can be hard to trust.  You end up feeling like Peter walking on the water, suddenly noticing the storm and the incredible unlikeliness of the situation.  We HAVE to keep our eyes on the Lord- to pray not only for all the Lord to work out every last detail but for Him to help us believe.

With that said, we have had a few showings in the last week, which is great.  “Coincidentally” (or rather, God in action) both the people who came to look in the last few days we have known, unbeknownst to us or them before they arrived on our doorstep!  Yesterday’s showing was very hopeful from a family we have known for years from our old church.  We are steeped in prayer!

Learning to be present– undistracted.  In the past few years distraction has become a bit of a coping mechanism, a way to get through the day.  But is it hasn’t been healthy.  It hasn’t been good for my family and as much as I thought it helped me in the overwhelming moments, it was hurtful to myself as well.  I have grown increasingly impatient, annoyed, angry, frustrated by the “distractions” that would interrupt my distractions.  My distractions took an inappropriate place on my priorities list.  Don’t get my wrong, I believe that hobbies can be a wonderful thing- a tremendous way to relieve stress and even bless my family and friends.  When those hobbies become an avenue for avoiding life, however, they aren’t worth it.  

So, I took an unofficial time out.  I have made myself just really “be” with my kids, my husband, the Lord.  (Honestly, sometimes my lack of energy helped since I didn’t even feel like doing anything else!) And I am learning.  I am learning how to truly enjoy them again.  I am learning how to be ready to welcome another child into this family.  I am learning how to be a real wife, mom and homemaker again after a long drought of just going through the motions.  It is like an awakening.  It is a slow process but I feel the Lord working.  

Being set apart.  This year (and by that I mean school year) has brought many pronounced changes- especially in our friendships and influences.  Many of the families we were very close to have all gone in different directions with the start of kindergarten or first grade for their oldest children.  Changes in schedules and the overall pace of life has made it much harder to spend time together and share in life.  

At the same time we have begun to be surrounded by new families, mostly through the homeschool co-op we became a part of this year.  Those co-op families combined with the many online friends I have made over the years through blogging have, inevitably, been leaving a bigger influence on our lives.  I guess I would especially have to say the bloggers- cause hey, I’m home all day and that is where I get a lot of my mom-comaradarie and ideas.  But in that, along with noticing how successful they were in their blogging and apparently lives as well, I started loosing my/our identity.  My blog didn’t seem like enough.  My life didn’t seem like enough.  Where did I/we fit in?  What should my blog and our life look like?  

From that has come a lot of soul searching, prayer, late night discussions with The Carpenter.  We are our own BOLD little family who the Lord has specific plans for.  We need to be listening to Him first.  Yes, my friends, whether IRL or online, can be wonderful examples and offer amazing suggestions, but ultimately I need to be seeking the Lord for how to do things in our family.  We are unique- made by Him.

That realization is what finally gave me the freedom to part ways with our homeschool plans for this year and try something completely different.  It has also given me the freedom to come back to this space and just be me.  To write not only the posts that get thousands of hits and repins on Pinterest but the ones that are wordy (haha- like this one!) and are really true to who I am.  That means there will be nitty-gritty along with the creative and fun.  That means I will be unapologetically BOLD, while also making my very best efforts to be gracious and kind, which will not always leave me popular.  But I’ve never been popular, so that’s ok.  You may not always like what I have to say, but at least you can trust me to be honest! :-)

 I think that about says it all, and probably more!  And with that I’d just like to say I giant “Thank you” for hanging around and reading!  I love you guys!

4 thoughts on “Lacking

  1. Kate

    Bravo for your BOLDness!! I appreciate your transparency. Your description of distractions was all too familiar…and convicting. You just gave me something to think and pray about. Thank you and blessings on your week!!

    Reply
  2. Becki

    So, I just found your blog, via Pinterest. Via your AMAZING menu planner. I’ve been menu planning for a long time, but I mostly just do it on a month by month basis, and it isn’t very organized. I am so excited to get started on making my huge binder.
    I just wanted to let you know that this post SPOKE to me. I, too, homeschool. I am in our second year, and after going through something similar to what you are going through now (our first year was a bust…even after all my meticulous planning, I ended throwing it all out the window and going a different direction entirely) we are entering a new battlefield: our friends/playmates aren’t going with us. We are diving headfirst into homeschool without the playmates we’ve had since the beginning, and its hard on my children (I have a 5 yo, 3yo, and 18 month old). It’s HARD. It’s hard to find your place and feel like you can breathe. It’s hard to not wonder what it would be like to have onesinglesecondohmygosh to myself. So what do I do? I dive into distractions. I dive into Facebook, blogs, pinterest, email. I lash out at my kids when they interrupt my “obsession”. When you said, “I am learning how to be a real wife, mom and homemaker again after a long drought of just going through the motions,” I realized that I want to learn that again, too.
    So, thank you. Thank you for being BOLD and opening yourself up in a way that allowed God to touch others like me. I pray that He leads us both to find exactly what we should be seeking!

    Reply
    1. boldturquoise Post author

      I’m so glad that this spoke to you! You just never know if others will relate or get what you are rioting, putting out there! I really appreciate hearing I’m not alone! There’s more than one mama in the “new-homeschooler-lonely-mamas club!”. Thank you for your kind words!

      Reply

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